A LITTLE BIT LOST (OR A LOT LOST)

We just got home from a weekend camping trip with another family. We practised good distancing. We had a lot of fun. 

As I prepared a burger I filled the cooking tent with smoke. We joked about it. The burger was delicious. 

Later, I had the slow realization that being outdoors and distancing didn't guarantee safety as I initially imagined it would. The cooking tent had mesh sides but the smoke lingered. Then I started thinking about the Covid-19 germs which could have been lingering as we distanced, eating our separately prepared meals, families six feet apart from one another, following the rules under the mesh tent. I felt less sure. You know? I felt a little bit of the paranoia ouroboros shuffle.

In my family, we wash our hands, use our masks, and keep a good distance. Good enough. Vigilant, not hyper-vigilant. Yet, doing what we feel is safe & responsible does not currently guarantee our safety. In this, in anything. I have no control over the actions of others, I can only control my response. 

My family has a small bubble of contact. I didn't hug my mother for six months because I didn't want to chance her becoming ill. My oldest child was told social distancing wasn't cool by a friend she was supposed to be distancing responsibly with. That tween is young and expendable to my family, my mother is not.

So, I am feeling lost. A little bit lost, or a lot lost. My partner and I are not sending our children to school until we see improved safety measures for all. I am fortunate; my children want to stay home, and I work from home. This, when I step back and look at it, was an easy decision for my family in a difficult time in the world. 

I still feel some conflict, guilt, and worry. My own work will suffer from less attention. The introvert currently inside of me is close to the edge; I need a break and it is not coming soon. I worry about getting outside and moving our bodies and being in touch with the rest of our community. I am not worried about my children, they are happy at home. I however, will need to tend to myself well. 

“I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next.
Delicious Ambiguity.”

― Gilda Radner

I've been lost before, a lot. I'm good at this. My family is good at this. We face the unknown often (albeit the 'New Unknown' is way scarier). My partner and I choose to do what is best for our family, we forge ahead with curiousity. Hearts on our sleeves, masks on our faces. We are not lost, we are adventuring. Delicious Ambiguity