IMPERFECTIONS

"You said you didn't care about the gender of your child. You just wanted a healthy baby. Then after she was born you said you were so happy that you had a girl because you wanted a girl. Why would you lie about that?"

My jaw dropped. My eyes welled with tears, I recoiled as if I had been slapped. I withdrew. I didn't lie, I just didn't fell safe telling you the truth, I thought. 

I recalled the dinner party when I was asked about what gender of child I was hoping for. I didn't feel welcome. This was particularly hard to cope with emotionally in my third trimester of pregnancy. I was usually good at winning a crowd over, and lucky to be in good crowds. I have been blessed with genial company. 

The easy answer I gave to the baby question was excused by me playing the exhausted card. I was tired of having to prove myself, it affected my behaviour. Every thought I had seemed to rankle this person, so I stopped being my  opinionated, gregarious self.  I felt any answer I gave would be subject to scorn (and it was!). I allowed shame to take the place of my authenticity.

I wanted to have a girl first (and yes, let's talk about gender constructs another time), for complicated, deeply personal reasons that I did not want to or should have had to share aloud to a room full of people with tepid feelings toward me. 

There is as lot more to that story. In that moment though; accused of lying and being a problem person, I felt the bottom fall out of my confidence. It was the tone I was being spoken to with. The tone of punishment and shame. Oh, burning shame. A further list of my wrong doings followed.  I'm embarrassed to say I remained on the phone listening to the bullying. I was in shock. I held my baby and cried. 

This experience taught me that despite my best efforts, there will be people who misinterpret my words and deeds. Beautiful personal boundaries resulted, and the knowledge finally hitting home that I don't have to show up to every 'party' I am invited to. 

You can try your best to please others and risk authenticity, or you can kindly please yourself and see who shows up to genuinely join you. Your true friends will embrace your imperfections, encourage your best behaviours, and help you call home the little lost bits of your soul that keep you restless. Your friends encourage the best in you and address the rest with love if need be.